There's that scene in the Flying Scotsman where Johnny Lee Miller portraying Graeme Obree is sitting off by himself looking miserable while the rest of the room is throwing a huge party on his behalf for breaking the hour record (as best I can remember). I identify with that scene. I remember the first time I saw that movie...I watched it because it was about cycling but it struck me with its message about mental illness. And so I read the book. But that scene causes me to tear up.
Over the past three weeks—which have been pretty good—Mandy and I have discussed mental health and other personal issues in depth. I've had my third visit to the therapist, and each time I feel a bit better about where I’m headed. Nothing earth-shattering, but definitely on a positive track…
But then the rock star streak kicks in. Our planning for the hundred mile mountain bike race is kicking along really well. I am continually reaffirmed in my schemes and pursuits. When I read the room I feel that people are feeling the vibe and in full support of the things I want to see happen in the world. So for now the depression is at bay. Life is good (it’s always good even when things are not going well). And I’m clearing a few things from my desk slowly but surely.
I just wonder when I’m going to go off in sit in a corner by myself again. I don’t want to. And I hope next time I can see it coming and head off those urges at the pass.
The strangest thing about depression is that it—at least for me—has almost nothing to do with what’s going on around me. I used to think when bad things happen you get depressed. My experience over the past few years has been contrary to that. Good things can be coming at you in droves and the depression can keep you from benefitting from the positive energy that’s bombarding you. It’s like a cloak that sheds water away from you when you desperately need to be cooled off. Inside is stifling and dark. Outside people are cavorting in the nice spring rain.
Good things are happening in my life; I’m enjoying them greatly.